My Mind Is a Distraction Machine

Distraction. 
The villain. 
I'm in a constant state of fending it off. 
And sometimes - 
most times - 
I give up. 
I give in and let it take over my body. 

Even now, 
after I ordered myself to 
sit down and 
finish my article because 
I have time to write. 
The time is now.
I may not have it later.

But no.
I've chosen to listen to a podcast instead. 
I'm technically doing something.
I am writing
this journal entry,
this future poem
But it is not what I planned
this morning as I listed my to-dos.

Why did I choose the podcast?
To cloud my own thoughts? 
To sabatoge my work?
To make focusing that much more inconcievable? 

No. 
It's because sometimes I'm afraid of silence. 

Other times silence is satisfying.
Most times, I need to submit something, 
so I suddenly don't want to do it anymore. 

Even though it is my passion.
I'd rather stare off into the distance and think about 
a tittle of a sentence uttered
by the podcast host. 

This one fragment of an expressed notion
could take me
anywhere. 
Who knows where? 
To Narnia, probably. 
I don't even know, because 
I have already forgotten where I went. 

Distraction is cleaning, 
which I've hated my entire life
until I'm trying to meet a deadline,
and cleaning becomes the most important thing on my to-do. 

Distraction is feigning hunger, even. 
I eat 
and finish my plate
and make another
and eat.

Distraction is checking social media
after every other heart beat
just to see if one of those
radiant red bulbs will
pop up to reward me with a shallow greeting.

Distraction is playing a game on my phone 
to witness 
the explosive
serotonin and dopamine 
light show.

I don't want to 
write the thing 
right now. 
And that's ok. 
But it feels like it's not.
It feels like failure. 

But it's not. 

In order to cope with my fickle brain
I tell myself:
Go. Get distracted.
It's going to happen.

Listen to a podcast. 
Clean the house.
Eat the popcorn!
Go to Narnia! 
Don't you dare feel guilty, 
because if there's one thing I've learned
it's that distraction thrives on shame.

Give them an ounce of unfavorable attention
and distractions multiply.
If you wallow in your hatred of them,
they'll call up all of their most annoying friends 
and host a rager 
in your head.
 
Just let them come and go. 
Let yourself be you
distractions and all.

It's ok to not want to work. 
It's ok to not want to write. 
You will when you want to
and it is only when you really want to 
that you can create your masterpiece.

Distraction was the villian I tried to fend off,
but it became a safe place for my mind to wander.
So keep your notebook and pen handy
just in case.

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