To those who envy the people who are allowed to go off the deep end and then recover. To those who are aware that they just can’t. Life doesn’t stop. The clock is ticking. Some have a ticket and some don’t. To those that know they’re holding everything together and it’s not even for themselves. For everyone and everything else. If it were for you, you’d dive right into the murky numbness and let the waves of isolation wash over you. But a breakdown won’t fit your timeline. Stop with the dramatics and complaining and tears. It’s a burden. It’s an obstacle. You must trudge over these things. What of your potential? Wasted? What of your finances? Spent? Because you couldn’t hold on for one more day? Are you lazy? Defeated? Don’t do it. Lost time won’t be forgiven, not for you. You can't afford to stop thinking and planning. You can’t afford the ambulance or the hospital stay. It’s just not practical. Figure it out. It just won’t do. Don’t do. Keep doing. So you don’t. But you do. Instead of one big production, instead of one big flip out, one breakdown, the explosion, off the deep end… it happens a little bit every. day. In bursts. Thunder and rainstorms that you romanticize. That’s coping. That’s healing. That’s what you know. Keep knowing. Keep going. By the way; it is your environment to an extent. But it’s also you. You are repeating these things to yourself and there's no off switch in sight. So you think things like “You don't have the luxury to stay in bed.” And then — here it comes. The guilt. The guilt because you know they struggle differently and it’s so inappropriate and flat-out demented to use the word envy. How dare you? What is wrong with you? They’re not the enemies. They’re not the gatekeepers. They’re not the deliberators. It’s not you against them. You all need help. To those who think these things — and have the audacity to envy the people who refused to hold in all that you do because you can’t see yourself ever giving you the permission to blow up — you’re anything but alone. There is a club. Find solace in the fact that you fit into a clique for once. Like you always dreamed of. Validation. It doesn’t taste as sugar-sweet as you thought it would. What more do you want from me? I don’t have the solution. I don't know if there is one. I have a handshake and a hug for you. And two glowing green eyes staring back into yours. And that’s all.
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Eternal Metamorphosis 