Everyone says therapy is necessary after trauma. I agree but it's not as simple as it sounds. Therapy is not gossiping with your friends or venting to your family. It can feel that way eventually. But therapy is work. Therapy is a mirror. Therapy is difficult often. I run from things that are difficult and I avoid goodbyes. When life gets chaotic, my mental health has always been and always will be the first thing I drop. Not because I think this is the right thing to do or want to do this or recommend women ever do this but because of muscle memory. I've always pushed down my own welfare. "It's fine, just do." I say to myself. "I'm fine, I'll do it." I say to everyone. Old habits are difficult to quit especially for me who finds comfort* in certain routines. *It's not exactly comfort, but its not exactly anxiety either. It's something in the middle. New state New therapist? Too much right now. Nobody tells you how difficult it is to even start therapy. "Go to therapy" they say, but Therapy is not something you just go to. You have to find the right therapist which involves a lot of time and research and introducing yourself in the most energy depleting ways. It's like dating all over again. No. Too much. Not right now. Later. But everything is always too much. I remember how many times this came up in previous sessions. If I find a new therapist, it will come up just as frequently. First things first: The unpacking, No, The lawsuit. No, The writing. No, The job search. No, Cleaning. Cleaning wins because it's easiest and requires very little thinking or emotional energy. Or I could write a mediocre poem in under 20 minutes and dare myself not to revise or think deeply about the correct wording or punctuation or grammar and don't obsess over the perfect title to draw readers in. I don't care who reads this. it's for me. I could transcribe the exact thoughts I'm having. Will that count? Is that writing? No, its not. While I work on this poem I have another tab open with another poem that is actually good and I've been working on it for a month or two and it's just about ready. Probably less than an hour of focus, possibly less than 20 minutes... and it will be good to click "publish" But I've chosen not to do that right now. I had a new idea and it is much simpler. Poetry is my new therapist But somehow I feel worse after this session. Maybe once I click "publish"... surely then I will feel better. No. What about I send a thank you note to the last therapist I practically ghosted.
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